Why I Hate My Dog

We were not thinking clearly when we decided to “adopt” this little (big) hellion. What I mean is, I was actually drunk when we agreed to drive to Tulsa to pick him up. It was July 4th weekend, cocktails had been had, obvi, and this just proves nothing good can come from drinking! Keep that in mind, kids.

Our probable initial thoughts? He’s free! He’s sooo cute! He won’t grow to be that big!

see? so teeny tiny and totally not destructive…

Take off the beer goggles, you fools! 

He is an evil monster disguised as an innocent little puppy and will make your lives hell! You will be poor, your house will be dirty, and dog hair will be mother-effing everywhere. Hindsight is 20/20 BS.

I’m getting depressed just reminiscing about all of this.

Everything is coming to a head now, though – seven years later. We’re getting ready to move into a new house in a new neighborhood with lots of little kids and nice families and the last thing we need is for Rufus to ruin EVERYTHING. Because he is a life ruiner.

For this very reason, we’re entertaining the idea of hiring a dog trainer so they can, you know, teach an old dog new tricks. Simple commands, really. Like to come when called, stop eating kleenex straight out da box, quit spazzing out when an animal (cartoon or otherwise) is on the television. Just be a normal dog! IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK!?!

I know. I know we should have done this YEARS ago but I’ve reached the point that I’m just really fed up so we’re going to do the responsible pet-owner thing and try to correct some of these behaviors before I “accidentally” forget to latch the fence. Because if he gets out, I’ll make sure there’s no way he can be physically traced back to us. I’ll pretend I don’t know him. #kidding

#not

Misery loves company so join me as I list out 10 reasons why I really very strongly dislike our dog, Rufus:

1. He eats things. Socks, underwear, kleenex, frozen chicken breasts. You got it? He’ll eat it.

2. He throws up things. Socks, underwear, kleenex… You get the idea.

3. He tries to re-eat the things he throws up. I mean, really? It’s just gross.

4. His collar got stuck in the dishwasher (somewhere he’s NOT supposed to be…) and pulled the bottom shelf out and broke my plates. Not cool, bro.

5. He “runs away” but doesn’t really run away… They always come crawling back…

6. He freaks the ‘eff out when he sees another animal in person or on TV. And then does this:

wtf.

7. He licks incessantly. To the point where I think I’m about to have a stroke if I have to listen to that noise for one more second…

8. He does not listen. Like, at all. He knows we get after him every time he burrows into our clothes hanging in the closet yet he does it ALL. THE. TIME.

9. He punched a hole in the wall with his ass. Seriously. There was a Rufus-sized hole in our wall and he put it there with his ASS.

it’s like he’s happy about it or something.

10. Major abdominal surgery that cost thousands. The event that started it all. He was still a puppy when he swallowed his first pair of Victoria’s Secret underwear and it got lodged in his small intestine. See ya never, $3k.

The ONE thing that doesn’t absolutely drive me bonkers about this dog? And, I’m convinced this is the only thing I like about him..

He is and always has been very good with the babies.

….17 times larger than a one-year old

He must have a thing for teeny tiny humans because from day one with Gracyn, he’s been calm (for the most part) around her and now Leighton and for that I’m thankful.

Now, if I could only get those pairs of undies back….